Wed, Feb. 25th, 2015, 11:01 pm
Hello Live Journal. Its only been 7 years. In those 7 years I have changed a lot but I haven't changed at all. Some days I still want to kill myself. Mostly I think that the things I love, the things that inspire me and make my spirit feel light and free are not real, but some form of escapism. Is it though? Is living a life full of "Love and Light" and peace and feeling and wonder--does it really matter if its some delusional place people go to in order to feel "enlightened" hippie blah blah space? It feels a lot nicer than sitting on the tile floor holding myself trying to talk myself out of the ticking time bomb I have become. No I dont want to drink the kool aid, I am fucking skeptical as fuck, but this place that I have found myself is no place for me. It feels as dark as it did when I was all of 13 years old. But I am 25 now. In between I have experienced feelings of happiness, empowerment, confidence, love, pride, and power. and drugs. and a whole lot of self destruction disguised as love and experience. Its very hard to really understand where I am at in my life. All of my issues are still very much present. I am still myself. At the end of the day when the people I align myself with are no longer around, when I am no longer inspired and have nothing to distract myself, I couldn't even tell you who I am. I am still a shell.