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Wed, Feb. 25th, 2015, 11:01 pm

Hello Live Journal. Its only been 7 years. In those 7 years I have changed a lot but I haven't changed at all. Some days I still want to kill myself. Mostly I think that the things I love, the things that inspire me and make my spirit feel light and free are not real, but some form of escapism. Is it though? Is living a life full of "Love and Light" and peace and feeling and wonder--does it really matter if its some delusional place people go to in order to feel "enlightened" hippie blah blah space? It feels a lot nicer than sitting on the tile floor holding myself trying to talk myself out of the ticking time bomb I have become. No I dont want to drink the kool aid, I am fucking skeptical as fuck, but this place that I have found myself is no place for me. It feels as dark as it did when I was all of 13 years old. But I am 25 now. In between I have experienced feelings of happiness, empowerment, confidence, love, pride, and power. and drugs. and a whole lot of self destruction disguised as love and experience. Its very hard to really understand where I am at in my life. All of my issues are still very much present. I am still myself. At the end of the day when the people I align myself with are no longer around, when I am no longer inspired and have nothing to distract myself, I couldn't even tell you who I am. I am still a shell.

Fri, Mar. 28th, 2008, 01:49 pm

Shit I just typed up a whole entry a really long one and then accidentally deleted it all! man i am pissed!!1


i dont know where to start
i have to go soon so im going to make this entry much shorter than i was intending

anyone remember me?

ok...well the reason im on LJ is becuase I miss some friends of mine. expecially Leslie and Dee.
The reason I havent been on LJ is becuase basically my entries were really depressing and a lot of my live revolved around the internet and people i knew online. some of those people werent so good for me. my life has taken a turn over the past year and im now online a lot less these days. this is good for me, but i really do miss a lot of people...

lets see...i got a boyfriend back in july. i enjoy spending time with him and miss him (he goes to school in maryland and i go to school now in New Jersey) but sometimes he can be an asshole to me. since the summer however his group of friends have become my friends as well and i love to go back to maryland and for once have people to socialize with.

im still 5'1'' even though my new years resolution was to grow 5 inches...

like i said, i dont get on LJ much anymore but i do use facebook so please if you have one...add me and if you dont you should think about getting one.

i got to run. this entry was a whole lot longer before i stupidly deleted the whole thing. i will probably check and reply to any comments but may not be back here for some time.

i miss you all and hope everyone is doing well


Sat, Mar. 18th, 2006, 11:06 am

I have more friends finally. The freshmen are sweet as can be, but Im terrified of hurting them. So many freshmen have EDs and theres a part of me that is scared for them and a part of me that is scared for me...that i will relapse or help them or something. I dont know.
Anyhow...things have been bad, but managable i suppose. Things arent too bad with my mum but other things arent great. Im 102lbs and cut free but im still depressed on 8 different perscription pills. I miss my LJ friendies....a lot.

I hope everyone is well.

Oh, theres a contest on my message board. am giving out a living dead doll to the winner. www.waketodie.proboards45.com

To Leslie, Dee and Yol
Read more...Collapse )

to beautiful things,

Mon, Feb. 20th, 2006, 08:21 am

wow ive missed you guys.

my email : inferno5@msn.com
Alt email: GraveyardGoddess@waketodie.tk
Message Board: www.waketodie.tk
Msn ID: Inferno5@msn.com
Myspace: www.myspace.com/isprettydamnshitty/

Love love love
will come back soon after doing homework
love stephie

Thu, Dec. 29th, 2005, 12:32 pm

Dearest LJ friends,
Yes, I have been influenced by conformists. I have a myspace which I use mostly to promote my message board. I haven’t been keeping up with LJ *slaps hand* bad me.

Currently there is a contest on wake to die, for the Edward scissorhands plush. Also a new buy sell and swap section. Please join if you haven’t already. We are almost at 200 active members. www.waketodie.tk (or www.waketodie.proboards45.com) everyone is so friendly.

Ps: To Yol, Leslie and Dee.
I miss you guys huge amounts MWAH

Wed, Dec. 28th, 2005, 08:39 am
אני המלאך שרוצה למות

Here at the entrance of this place, hangs a large marquee. Its lights flash
as if to welcome you with dancing stars and the lights of Vegas. Nobody can
truly understand; the unwelcoming blindness that penetrates into our eyes.

“You have arrived to nowhere, but we nothing here for you” it says;
Flourished and vibrant like a circus advertisement. The boundaries end here
like barbed wire marked by this sign. This sign of opportunity and glamour,
of riches and bohemia…yet clear as crystal the message remains “we have
nothing here for you.”

And you know there is never a way out of here; for there isn’t an exit from
this place. The mind may forever remain an unsolved mystery—floating into
the realm we may never access again. Though we see child prodigies, freak
shows, and alcoholics— though we see the Barbie dolls, the demons and the
junkies.. The mind is full of all that’s indefinite and unknown. People
don’t care to know such things as that. Part of what can be derived from
soul searching, is only that of which is permitted for one to see. Many
minds fall for trickery; ruining the last of your intuitive essence. The
mind is simply self destructive isn’t it…our dependence; our drug; our killer.

Perhaps we are too artistic of a human race. We have become pseudo
superstars and billionaires. We don’t care about the emotions we’ve
lost—everyone is living life numbly and contently. Painting their scenery
with acrylics we create a circus world of beautiful things and magic. We
line the outskirts of our universe with smoke and mirrors; to hide the
dreary skies which surround us.

Some decide to breathe in the air which has been polluted forever. No one
tries to hold their breath. Instead we buy cigarettes and karma beads…
Dropping sadness down a sewer for the rats to feed on; we loose all
desperation and our sad hearts become vengefully fake. To admit you are
alone is virtually suicide. Nobody belongs in a world like this.

We tread on along down the never ending roads in circles; never getting
anywhere; but never admitting we have been corrupted. We wear feathered
masks covered in glitter. We dye our hair fluorescent pink and turbulent
indigo. Together every sullen heart silently sinks behind the
synthetic” sweet n low” smiles … Silently every heart silently wonders
how many colours it will take for the pain to vanish for good;
Even the Barbie Doll junkie goddesses ; who hide behind sleek, Cirque-DeNoir
sunglasses glasses wondering how much makeup it will take
to turn us to a race of fiction; a film.

Reality is merely perception…and we all perceive different things—clearly
reality is a matter of trust and faith… something extinct and unnatural. We
starve ourselves just as to disappear behind our painted on smiles. We lie
to ourselves every day. No one can trust us and we can’t trust ourselves,
but there’s no reason to trust anything. We are tie-dyed with aesthetic
virtue, with glamorous pride and perfection as we waste away in this place.
The glass is always half full of emptiness.

Nowhere can provide you with a decent lie, a true secret for riches and fame
of course. But what is left once your dream; your ambitions of lies, is
stripped away? The answer remains; absolutely nothing. Once all your riches
and make-up— your masks and fame weaken away, you notice…you were never
anything to begin with. We wonder to ourselves…Nothing is left, but how will
we ever make nothing leave? You can’t kill your shadow or the gleam in your
eyes…or the mirror…and it wouldn’t make a difference if we tried to.
What this world has become is a bizarre concept to everybody’s understanding.
Nobody questions the answer they never get when they veil their darkness

What is human nature? Is it the survival instinct?
to fend for oneself ...to find happiness where it doesnt exsist.

Nothing is something we experience with every breath of our non-existence
here in nowhere. Can you imagine the hunger…the adaptation we make to find
nourishment in emptiness? Can you imagine how we have to make pain, in order
to make the numbness go away? Everything that seems so simple and real might
as well be nothing at all.

2 days left.......even angels die

Wed, Oct. 5th, 2005, 08:43 am

The Night Rain

Sowing in mascara tinted tears; a surface of cloudy coal soaks in the sorrow.
Silence reaped the cries from the air, and stored them in the waters.
Cascading like shooting stars, with lights that have died inside
Yet beautiful through eyes that have never seen colour.

A tarnished world is making music—with not a soul to hear its song.
As the spiral dance releases vocals; disposing drops of smoke formed tears.
Echoing ballads fill the air and elating energy flies into the seas,
But no one can see them, since souls never cared

For all light has died; all love has died; a slow death
In droplets of lusterless melodies—one by one
As eyelids blink revealing the raining somber song
As each drowned to the water; to never be found again.

Sun, Jun. 26th, 2005, 01:25 am

Everything day goes on so slowly but blurring together as one. Ive lost all proper sense of time. Of anything. Im not close to happy...and I dont care. I just dont have a reason to anymore.

I need my phone err...
I need more pills...I wonder if anti-depressents are addictive...or if a lot extra make you super happy. last time all that happened was feeling very ill but I wasnt on lustral er zoloft then.


Fri, Jun. 24th, 2005, 03:06 pm
so maybe its just a bit too....bloody

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

errr I suck at this...need someone to teach me....or maybe i just need a photoediting program that isnt a crappy free one....err photoshop is hundreds of dollars though!

Mon, Jun. 13th, 2005, 11:29 am

You can tell
From the scars on my arms
And cracks in my hips
And the dents in my car
And the blisters on my lips
That i'm not the carefullest of girls

You can tell
From the glass on the floor
And the strings that're breaking
And i keep on breaking more
And it looks like i am shaking
But it's just the temperature
And then again
If it were any colder i could disengage
If i were any older i could act my age
But i dont think that youd believe me
It's just the way the operation made me

And you can tell
From the state of my room
That they let me out too soon
And the pills that i ate
Came a couple years too late
And ive got some issues to work through
There i go again
Pretending to be you
That i have a soul beneath the surface
Trying to convince you
It was accidentally on purpose

I am not so serious
This passion is a plagiarism
I might join your century
But only on a rare occasion
I was taken out
Before the labor pains set in and now
Behold the world's worst accident
I am the girl anachronism

And you can tell
By the red in my eyes
And the bruises on my thighs
And the knots in my hair
And the bathtub full of flies
That i'm not right now at all
There i go again
Pretending that i'll fall
Don't call the doctors
Cause they've seen it all before
They'll say just
She'll learn
The attention just encourages her

And you can tell
From the full-body cast
That i'm sorry that i asked
Though you did everything you could
(like any decent person would)
But i might be catching so don't touch
You'll start believeing youre immune to gravity and stuff
Don't get me wet
Because the bandages will all come off

And you can tell
From the smoke at the stake
That the current state is critical
Well it is the little things, for instance:
In the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
Please excuse her for the day, its just the way the medication makes her...

I dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
So i might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
I was too precarious removed as a caesarian
Behold the worlds worst accident

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